Loneliness

What Situations Make You Feel Lonely?

by James Wallace Harris, 9/3/25

I spend most of my time alone, but I seldom feel lonely. However, there are moments when I do feel lonely. My old friend Connell, whom I’ve known for almost sixty years, has disappeared from my life. Whenever I think about how I can’t talk to him anymore, I feel lonely. That’s true for all the people I’ve known who have died or I’ve lost contact with.

One of the side effects of getting old is the sense of losing people and moving towards solitude. As Susan and I’ve gotten older, we talk less. There’s less need. But if she were gone, I would be very lonely. At least I think I would.

Loneliness appears to be related to having someone to talk to when you want to talk. That if we had nothing to say, we might not be lonely.

Several friends have told me they feel lonely at parties. I’ve experienced that. Being in a room full of people and having no one to talk to does make you feel lonely. But I’ve also been to parties, talking to no one, and been entirely content. What’s the difference between those two situations?

I’ve read that millions of people have found AI friends to talk with. Many even claim that such communication is better than they have with people. Is the inability to express oneself a cause of loneliness?

I once had a TIA in the middle of the night, where I had no words in my mind. I wasn’t afraid. I saw Susan in the bed next to me, but I didn’t have anything to say. I didn’t panic. I didn’t feel like I was missing anything. I went into the bathroom and sat. I just looked around. Looking back, I wonder if that is how animals feel? Eventually, the alphabet bubbled up into my thoughts, and then words came back. I began to name things like Adam.

I did not feel lonely then. Just a kind of serenity. Does language make us lonely?

In recent months, two situations have triggered a feeling of loneliness. I crave listening to music with someone, like I used to do when I was a teenager. Sharing music used to mean something. And second, I want to watch old movies with someone who also loves to watch old movies. This makes me think of social media and how people love to share things online. Is not being able to share things you love with other people a cause of loneliness?

Before I was married, I remember dating. Not having anyone was lonely. But sometimes having sex could be extremely lonely. There are moments in life when you get as physically close as two people can possibly get, and yet your feelings seem to be on two different frequencies. That feels very lonely.

There are times when I feel something that I want to share, but I don’t know anyone who would relate to that feeling. Or, I can’t find the right words to say to someone who might. Is expressing or sharing feelings related to loneliness?

One reason I don’t feel lonely is that I read books. I’ve been a lifelong bookworm. Should I have substituted books for people? Can anyone express themselves by talking as some people can by writing? Does listening to someone soothe loneliness? Either verbally or by reading?

This essay conveys an idea that came to me in the middle of last night. I doubt I could have verbally expressed my thoughts. It would take too long. An inability to verbalize our thoughts or feelings could be another cause of loneliness.

Having another person around might not be the only solution to loneliness.

JWH

Making SETI Chit-Chat

Humans have been playing galactic wall-flower, afraid to make first contact with our alien neighbors, but what happens when a neighborly little green alien sends us an interstellar text message, what will we type back? Linguists aren’t even sure if interstellar communication is even possible, but let’s say we overcome the language barrier rather quickly. What will we say? Yeah, I know, all those pesky scientists will want to send boring mathematical messages to see if our brains are bigger than theirs, or heaven’s forbid, it’s the other way around.

No, let’s say we can get down to some intelligent species to intelligent species chit-chat, what would you want to ask our new space alien buddies? I think the first question I’d ask is, “Do you guys know many people from around here?” I think the first thing I’d tell them would be, “Man, it’s been very lonely in this neck of the galaxy. Geez, I was afraid we were the only sentient beings in the universe.”

Would we have enough in common to carry on a long distant relationship? Another question I’d be anxious to ask, “Hey, you guys got television?” Can you imagine the The Alien Channel? I wonder if they have a better Monday comedy lineup than “How I Met Your Mother,” “Two and a Half Men” and “The Big Bang Theory.” And what would they think of the human race if they could see “True Blood,” “Big Love,” “Dexter” and “Wipeout.”

SETI gurus assume we’ll have mathematics in common, and that might be true, but what might two intelligent cultures, separated by light years, share? Music might be a possibility. But imagine if giant redwood trees were big brain thinkers, with IQs of 300, but only they live in a world of little activity, with long slow lives. What would they think of us hummingbirds?

Like the geek boys in Sixteen Candles, when asked what kind of proof they would accept, I’d also have to answer: Video! Even if we couldn’t understand our B.E.M. friends’ Monday night TV lineup, it would be great to watch anyway, like watching nature documentaries without sound. Can you imagine the alien porn channel – “Whoa, did ya see that egg depositor on that giant beetle babe with the gold bikini last night!” And would aliens feel like African Americans watching old movies with racial stereotypes when watching our science fiction films?

That brings up censorship. Should we try to put on an act and project some kind of high minded normal view of human behavior, or just let it all hang out. And would alien cultures be as diverse, bizarre and brilliant we we are? What if we could load up some super laser canon with petabytes per second bandwidth, and blast all the daily human culture into the sky, what would they make of us?

What if they were brilliant mathematical lizards, but mainly lazed around laying eggs and thinking big thoughts about reality, would we blow their minds? What if our alien neighbors made us feel like a race of Mother Teresas? What if their pop culture is so vibrant that all we can do is form a cargo cult?

We have thousands of years of far out history that our children find boring. We have magnificent sciences and mathematics to study, but our kids prefer listening to Lady Gaga or playing Call of Duty. Most of our pop-culture is about mating, which I doubt has much interest to other intelligent species. Will we have much to say to each other? I don’t speak any other languages and seldom read web pages that aren’t based in the United States. What does that say?

Science fiction always show alien diversity, with humans boogieing with all kinds of strange looking creatures, going on adventures, smuggling cargo, and being all PC BFF. Einstein’s speed laws will make such joy riding very unlikely, but even if we could get close, would we want to? Homo sapiens have all kinds of bacteria and viruses living in, on and around us. Would we want to chance Wookie cooties? And what’s the likelihood of becoming chums with another sentient race that enjoys the same mixture of air, temperature, gravity and atmospheric pressure as we do?

Science fiction has always assumed everything would be easy, and if we weren’t trying to exterminate each other, aliens would make great friends. But I don’t know. That might just be overly anthropomorphic, like imagining bears will be like Winnie the Pooh.

I want to know that aliens exist. I want to share science and mathematics. Passing tech tips back and forth will be great too. But how much chit-chatting can we really expect?

Reality

If we’re lucky, and I mean really lucky, like life on Earth lucky, we’ll one day detect an intelligent message coming from a not too distant star, hopefully within a few hundred light years. At first only scientists will understand the signal, because it will probably take a great deal of abstract knowledge to understand the unnatural patterns in the signal from the rich existing energy patterns of our universe – and probably much of public will refuse to believe our eggheads.

Slowly the science community will build their case that will convert the unbelieving. It will take years, decades or even centuries to partly decipher the message, and when it’s revealed, the communiqué probably won’t be all that exciting to the average woman and man, but just knowing we’re not alone will mean a lot philosophically. Over vast periods, that span many lifetimes, we’ll slowly development interspecies communication. And one day we might even get video, the real proof for the unbelievers. Eventually, the excitement will die down, because it’s doubtful we’ll ever meet our new friends, and human life being what it is now, won’t make us that broad minded across light-years, because most of us are focused on the moment, the near and now.

We might be alone in the universe. Then again, we might not. But if we do discover other intelligent life, it won’t take away our existential loneliness. Humans swarm over this planet by the billions, but most of them feel very lonely, because each of us is a singular soul, living as a solitary island castaway, tossing messages in bottles onto the sea, hoping for a little communication. When the bottles must cross the distant shores trillions of miles away, it won’t feel any different.

Song of the Moment

JWH – 7/28/9

Most people think the cure for loneliness is seeking the company of other people. I don’t agree. The complaint of being “lonely” is much too vague, on the same order as saying, “I don’t feel good.” What are the symptoms of loneliness, and what are its cures? Studying loneliness unclothes our souls. Why is loneliness such a pervasive condition in world of seven billion? I got onto the topic of loneliness when a couple friends mentioned joining Internet dating services and I became fascinated with how those programs worked.

Dating services sell the illusion of scientific match making. Each service believes their method of profiling will introduce their customers to harmonious relationships. Of course this assumes we must all be paired off like animals going into Noah’s ark. If our goal is to produce children, then this might be logical, but high divorce rates and unhappy marriages seem to suggest that the concept of soul mates might be a failure. I must ask, what do we want from each other?

First, is being alone bad? Well yes, if we’re alone too much. Is the solution a lifelong contractual relationship? I wonder if the deeply programmed impulse to reproduce overrides all other lesser urges so we see pair bonding as the only solution to loneliness. If we all took a contraceptive pill that removed any impulse to get naked with each other, what would be the second through nth reason for finding a friend? In no order of importance, and with no attempt to be complete, here are some of the components of loneliness that I’ve observed lately in me and my friends.

Talking

Some of my friends love to talk. Now I mean this different from people who love good conversation. These people want to express themselves in words, they have an itch to gab. They are excited about events in their lives and want to chatter away. Some people I know like this don’t particularly like to listen, nor are they particularly interested in people’s reaction to what they have to say. I’ve known a few rare souls that want to talk so much you have to back away from them. I used to have a professor that I would back out of his office and heard him talking halfway down the hall.

Listening

Now, there’s another kind of person that likes to talk, but not so compulsively, because what they really want is someone to listen to them. They want Freud for a friend. These people value others for their empathetic ability and perceptive observations. They are open to insightful comments and even welcome advice.

Conversation

Witty conversation is craved by some people, by not many. They love batting words back and forth across a net. Loneliness for these folks mean hanging out with people who spend more time chasing their words than volleying them back.

Play

Many people have the gaming gene and love to get with other people for competition. Whether it’s bridge, bowling or baseball, they seek others to play. I think older people crave the kind of living we had as kids where play was the common form of communication. I’ve read that baby boomers are forming leagues to play kickball, dodge ball, four-square and tetherball, games that were great in grade school. Kids are very physical and close when they play, like kittens and puppies, and I think many people are lonely for that kind of interaction with others.

Work

We spend most of our adult life at work, so it’s the main form of social bonding. Having a common goal is a very satisfying way to communicate with people. Purpose is super-glue for people. I think many retired people miss the friendship of co-workers. Unlike marriage, you don’t have to be intimate with the people at work to feel close to them.

Money

Now some readers are going to wonder why I list money as a kind of loneliness, but strangely enough I think some people are lonely for people to take care of them, and that involves dollars. I think the warmth of a relationship can be expressed in the security of finances, and I think this is true of many women. I often hear women wishing they could meet a rich man, but I never hear guys talking about wanting to meet a rich woman. I think the biological drive deep within our old brain makes females seek out powerful providers, and that works out to be a kind of loneliness.

Nesting

Another factor connected to the biological drive to mate is the urge to build a nest within a partner. Women, and some men, love fixing up a house and decorating, and I think there’s a kind of loneliness that make some people want to hook up with someone special to do remodeling.

Travel

There are a lot of solitary travelers out there, but most people want to go on adventures with a buddy. Seeing the world alone is a particularly lonely pursuit.

Health

This is a complicated one to imagine, but we know scientifically that people who live together are healthier than people who live apart. But do people really feel loneliness for health? I don’t know if it’s a conscious thing or not, but I think there’s lots of people willing to accept anyone in their lives because they just feel better about life.

Knowledge

This is the reason I’m often lonely. I’m interested in a lot of topics that my wife and friends find boring. I think many people look back on their school and college years as the most exciting time of their lives because of mixing the quest for knowledge with friendship.

Art

Movies are probably the leading art form that people share. When I was growing up music and television were major artistic expressions for connecting friendships. However, when I was at the National Gallery in Washington, DC, I felt it to be an extremely solitary experience. I wished I could express how I felt about the paintings I was seeing, but they were all so personal. Reading is a lonely pursuit but we often gather in book clubs and at work to talk about books.

At the Finish Line

One my lady friends told me she was lonely for someone to be at the finish line when she runs a marathon. I thought that was a particularly good kind of loneliness – to want someone to share your triumphs. I know I like to tell my wife when I get a bunch of hits on my blog because an essay got promoted on StumbleUpon. I think if you think about this one for awhile it might reveal a lot about why people are so lonely.

Be On My Side

The same friend above said she wanted a partner that would take her side, even if she was wrong. I guess this could have also been called “Watch My Back” but that might be a slight variation. If you go to war with words or fists you want your friends to line up behind you.

Sex

Getting genital is the eight million pound gorilla in the room of loneliness. Horniness is what most males feel when they are miserably lonely. I’m not sure women feel of it in the same way, but the impulse to make babies drives us crazy. And it’s such a weird concept when you think about it. Why would below the belt friction provide so much soothing comfort for the pain of being alone? Stranger still, when we’re beyond age of reproduction our bodies still nag us about carry on the race.

* * *

Feeling lonely is such a complex symptom. When we tell someone that we don’t feel good our friends will ask where does it hurt. From there they can play twenty questions and drill down on some specific ailment. They won’t do that when we complain of being lonely. The assumption is a generic person can be the universal pill that can cure any kind of loneliness. I spend most of my time alone, but I can’t say whether I suffer loneliness or not. I have to force myself to socialize more, and I like the company of people, but often when I’m out with a friend I’m anxious to get home to be alone. And even when I’m with people I still feel alone, a kind of existential loneliness.

On the other hand, I can be home alone, enjoying television or reading and it never occurs to me to complain about not having someone around. But other times in the same situation I do feel lonely. For the past year, my wife of thirty plus years, has had to work out of town, so I spend more time than ever alone. But even when she’s home I can have bouts of loneliness just as easily as I can when I’m alone.

Other people just want someone else around, and maybe not even in the same room, but just around the house The pain of their loneliness is reduced by being in a relationship. As I get older it seems people have less and less tolerance for putting up with other people and they prefer to live alone. Some of those people still feel lonely but find pets good company, or the hours at work to be socially fulfilling enough. I’ve been speculating with my science fiction reading friends about how companionable a robot might be. Other friends have pointed out that the Internet is good enough social contact for them.

What do we want from each other? What do you want from another person that will make you happy? I’ve asked my friends experimenting with computer dating what they are looking for in a good match. Surprisingly, or not, they don’t know. Usually they can specify things they don’t want. I think their loneliness is a general sense of unease and they don’t specifically know what will make them happy, but they often know the details about other people that make them unhappy.

Last night I had a very specific desire. I was watching this great NOVA episode on my DVR about fractal geometry and I was overwhelmed with excitement about the idea and wished I had someone to gab about it afterwards. Seeing the gorgeous fractal images in 1080i resolution on a 56″ screen was visually stunning. Learning about what fractal geometry teaches us about nature was inspiring. I really wanted a friend at that moment to discuss these ideas and maybe even try to program some fractal formulas into my computer.

Now this kind of desire for companionship bores the crap out of my wife. I get the same response from my lady friends who I spend most my social time. Of course, they want to talk about stuff that bores the crap out of me. I have a couple guy friends that would enjoy discussing fractal geometry, but their lives are usually busy with other stuff. Now I could jump online and find some bloggers exploring this subject and post comments, and that might do, but it’s not exactly what I want.

So, for me, one kind of loneliness is not having someone with me to discuss science and philosophy. I tell my wife that I ever meet a woman who has the hots for old fat bald guys that love to watch science documentaries that I’ll be dumping her. She doesn’t seemed worried. I don’t know if it’s because there’s zero chance of me meeting anyone that has the hots for my old body, or there’s zero chance for me to meet a woman that loves science documentaries, or the odds of finding someone with both qualities is like the odds of finding life on Mars.

Another type of loneliness I have is the desire for someone to share music. I used to get with friends to listen and talk about music. This started around the 6th grade and ended sometime after college. Of course, for many of those years of sharing music also included the communal sharing of a joint. Today people withdraw into their own private world of music with iPod earphones. Except for live performances, most people consider music as solitary as masturbation.

For most people, the solution to loneliness is having someone to talk to. Now some people talk to themselves, and others to cats, dogs, birds and fish, but most people need another person to carry on a conversation. Some of my lady friends can talk a blue streak. I just let them. Sometimes I think they only reason they like me is because I let them. Now I would like to talk more in these conversations, but I have learned it’s better to shovel my words out in this blog than dumping them onto people, because what I’m interested in the most seems to interest other people in the least.

When I wrote “The Implications of Sexbots” I actually thought robots would sell more for conversational companions than make-out machines. Unless you’re a horny boy, the percentage of your day spent humping your bot would be quite small, so I figured most people would want a robot to talk to. If Hondo made a Freud model of Asimo, it would sell more then the Accord. If people really believe that a robot could actually listen and understand them, and help them find insights into their souls, or just patiently handle all their blather, I think robots could be a cure for the kind of loneliness where you need another person to listen.

When you start thinking about it, the word loneliness can means all kinds of things. So when your friends complain of being lonely, ask them to be more specific.

The reproductive urge is the greatest force for bring two people together, so for many people who whine they are lonely, they are merely lamenting the desire for sex rather than companionship. We know how powerful this urge is because people will copulate with people they hate. The desire for sex will make you listen to conversations that bore you, and play games you despise.

I wonder what society would be like if humans had mating periods like some animals, so we only felt the urge to rut for two days a year, and the other 363 days we felt absolutely zero degrees of romantic heat? Would depression over loneliness be so pervasive? I don’t think so.

Before puberty, we were very social animals. Kids love to play, and often played in packs. That’s why I suggested the urge to play was one important type of loneliness. I’m wondering if it’s not the strongest after sex. But that makes me wonder if there is any kind of loneliness stronger than the sex drive. I think there is. Notice how powerful television is in our culture. Few people screw for 3.7 hours a day, but most will watch that much television.

Humanity started out as tribal groups, and even after the rise of cities, the family was multigenerational up until about the 1950s when television was invented. Instead of living with a home full of people, we commune with thousands of people via our TV sets. We love fictional stories about other people because deep within our genes and synaptic programming is social awareness. Watching Lost or Desperate Housewives resonates with that social tuning fork that vibrates within our head. Television is the methadone for our natural social addiction.

One reason I think so many of my lady friends want to talk a blue streak when they can is because they have been listening to television for hours on end and feel it’s their time to talk. Television is the robot that talks to us, hour after hour, gossiping about all the other people in the world, real or imaginary. Television is the modern Homer telling us stories. Television is the box that lets us watch the popular kids, the alpha males and females. Television is the peephole in which we vicariously watch others have sex and romance. Television is a better cure for loneliness than books, the old standard for solitary social escapism.

Loneliness is such a vague term, which is why it’s probably so overused. The next time the words, “I’m lonely” are about to tumble out of your mouth, hold up a minute and reevaluate. Think specific. What you might want to say is “Gee, wouldn’t it be great if I had enough friends for a rousing game of dodge ball.” Or “Gosh, I sure wish I knew a patient soul that would let me blab at them for forty minutes.” Or maybe you really want is to go dancing or horseback riding.

JWH – 2/10/9