Dear Me

Dear Jimmy Age 10

If you would study more and watch less television I could finish college.

Love Jim Age 22

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Dear Jim Age 16

If you could run away to California it sure would be nice remembering the Monterey Pop Festival.

Love Jim Age 52

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Dear Jim Age 22

I’m watching the Flintstones – you guys leave me alone!

Love Jimmy Age 10

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Dear Jim Age 35

You need to start putting away money for our retirement, I’m running out.

Love James Age 72

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Dear James Age 72

What’s in it for me?

Love Jim Age 35

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Dear Jimmy Age 10

Turn off that goddamn TV.

Love Jim Age 25

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Dear Jim Age 25

Make me.  You sound like Dad.

Love Jimmy Age 10

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Dear Jim Age 35

I know two women who told me I should have hit on them when we were younger.  Show me some money and I’ll tell you who they were.

Love James Age 72

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Dear Jim Age 17

You should hitchhike to Bethel, New York this summer.  Don’t worry about buying tickets, just remember the name Woodstock.

Love Jim Age 52

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Dear Jim Age 17

Tell me the secrets of getting laid

Love Jim Age 16

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Dear Jim Age 100

Are you there?

Love James Age 77

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Dear Jim Age 16

Ask one of the older Jims, and then let me know.

Love Jim Age 17

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Dear Jim Age 15

The Beatles are coming near you, think you can steal $40 for tickets and bus money.

Love Jim Age 52

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Dear Jim Age 13

Quit reading so much science fiction, girls don’t like it.

Love Jim Age 21

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Dear Jim Age 13

Stop reading that science fiction all the time – take up sports.  Boy am I out of shape.

Love Jim Age 45

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Dear Jim Age 13

Do you think you could get some older guys to place bets for you at the track?  I need  money to buy science fiction books.  I’ve read all the SF books at the library.

Love Jim Age 14

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Dear Jim Age 13

Get your head out of that goddamn book and do something real.

Love Jim Age 57

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Dear James Age 99

Are you there?

Love James Age 77

JWH – 9/17/10

The Metamorphosis Diet

Most people when they hear the word metamorphosis think about a caterpillar and butterfly.  Fewer people, those with a literary bent, are reminded of Kafka’s Gregor Samsa, the dude who turned into a big bug.  I need to meta-morph myself, but I’m afraid it would be too much to believe I could become young again and go the butterfly route, however if I don’t, I do see myself going down the dead bug path, flat on my back with my feet up in the air.

I’ve reached a time in my life I’ve been avoiding for thirty years – the time to diet.  My doctor insists I need statins for cholesterol, but they just don’t agree with me.  Since my father died of a heart attack at age 49 after having three previous heart attacks and a stroke, I am an obvious candidate for such drugs.  To go without them demands dramatic changes in diet.

I’m overweight – tipping the scales at 232, at five ten and three quarters, which gives me a horrible body mass index of 32.4.  Being fat hasn’t been unpleasant until I became unhealthy, so I had no incentive to diet.  Feeling bad is an incentive, but then my father had many such demons driving him and he never changed his habits.  Only 1 person out of 20 can diet and keep the weight off.  What makes that 1 person succeed?

I also have spinal stenosis, so I want to believe weighing less would ease the pressure on my back, which is yet another incentive to put myself through some kind of metamorphosis.  Now I wished I lived in the world of Harry Potter where I could buy a transformation potion, but that’s not an option.  The only real choices are the same ones I’ve been hearing my whole life:  diet and exercise.

But if I dieted like skinny-crazed actresses could I somehow morph myself into a new me?  I found this book, Stop Inflammation Now! by Richard M. Fleming, M.D. that promises dramatic change (read the Amazon customer reviews).  The trouble is Fleming’s diet is hard!!!  The phase 1 diet, the prescription to get your cholesterol numbers under control, is composed of only fruits and vegetables.   I’ve been a vegetarian since 1969, but I find it almost impossible to eat as many fruits and vegetables as Fleming wants me to.

I’m a lacto-ovo vegetarian, one who doesn’t eat animals, but will eat eggs and milk products.  And since I’ve also discovered The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone after watching Food, Inc., I’ve been thinking about becoming a vegan vegetarian.  But even the vegan diet is far more varied than the Fleming diet.  Giving up cheese, yogurt, ice cream and scrambled eggs is scary to me, since they are great comfort foods.   The Fleming diet, at least the early phase 1, doesn’t even provide salad dressing for salads – no fats allowed.  Under the vegan regime, I can have rice, oils, and even mutant pasta and breads, as well as fake meats and cheese.

So in my waffling, I’m shifting toward the vegan diet, but hoping I can eventually build up the guts to do the Fleming diet for a few weeks and see if my cholesterol numbers do come down.  The Fleming phase 1 diet is almost identical to many cleansing diets.  When I was 26, and only weighed 155 pounds, I did a cleansing diet that had dramatic effects in two weeks.  This diet was based on eating fruits one meal, and veggies the next, and the only condiments were pepper and lemon juice.  The day was started with a bracing wake-up of hot water and garlic.  I remember, the first thing I ate after going off this diet was scrambled eggs.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt as healthy as I did after that cleansing diet.

However, dieting is hard.  But after seeing Food, Inc. and many news films about the recent egg contamination scare, with all those warehouses of monster ugly chickens, I’ve decided that eggs aren’t that appealing anymore.  Giving up cheese and milk is going to be much harder, no matter how badly cows are treated.  But whenever I see how milk is produced, I waver.  That’s why the agribusiness keeps animal production hidden.

Ultimately, the hardest part of dieting is fitting the new way of eating into my existing lifestyle.  Being a normal vegetarian has made me a social outcast of sorts, and going vegan will distant me further from normal people.  Going out to dinner, either at restaurants or at a friend’s house, becomes trying at best, and sometimes impossible at worst.  The transformation I’m seeking will make me far from normal.  And that might be the key to why diets fail.

I think I can make it to veganism, especially after reading this New York Times article on vegan cupcakes.  It proves tasty food can be vegan.   Also, Alicia Silverstone preaches a hell-fire sermon for vegan living.  Time will tell if I can meta-morph into a better eater, and whether or not it will make me butterfly-like.  Even if I got down to 199, I doubt I’d float like a butterfly.  Maybe I can be Mothra.  I’ll keep you posted.  I will say that after making this decision I got up early the next morning and drove to the store and bought myself some soy milk for my cereal.  Yuck.  I have adapted that much.  One step at a time, as they say in the metamorphosis business.

JWH – 9/16/10

My Pitiful Poor Empty Bucket List

Among my friends we’ve been talking about our bucket lists and I’m always embarrassed to admit that my current bucket list is empty.  In case you don’t know about the concept, it’s anything you want to do before you kick the bucket.  Many of my friends have a number of places they want to visit before they pass on, but I just don’t feel that way about travel.  I have eight weeks of unused vacation and enough money to fly anywhere in the world, but I just don’t have the desire to go anywhere.  Nor do I want to go skydiving or swim with dolphins or see the pyramids.  I’m not dying to do anything, and I wonder if I’m pitiful because of that.

I have to wonder if the fullness of people’s bucket lists are related to their age.  When you are young you feel desperate to do and see everything.  Because I don’t have much energy anymore, and I’ve got a lot of aches and pains, I just want to relax and kick back when the world is not being demanding.  The idea of flying to Paris sounds painful to me, even though I’d love to go there.  And I certainly wouldn’t want any more aches and pains by doing something foolish like sky diving.

No, at this time and condition in my life, I need to reevaluate the whole bucket list concept.  My wife tells me I’m too young to feel old, but I do.  Both mentally and physically.  I’m approaching my 59th birthday, which makes me think about the big six oh.  I really don’t believe 60 is the new 30.

Be that as it may, I do want to find things for my bucket list.  Even I would think I’d be too pathetic if it was empty.  But my current desires don’t really feel like bucket list items.  For about thirty years now I’ve wanted to lose weight.  I don’t need to be my skinny 27 year old self, when I weighed 155, but being under 200 would be a dream come true.  On the other hand I need to be careful what I wished for, because many conditions leading to kicking the bucket would bring on such weight loss.

There are destinations I could add to my bucket list, but they aren’t practical, like going to Mars, or time traveling back in time to June 16, 1967 to see the Monterey Pop Festival.  I do have one desire that’s semi-realistic.  I’ve always wanted to write a novel that got published.  Maybe I should alter that some, and put in my bucket list the desire to have a short story published.  Okay, I will.  That’s one item in my bucket list.

That’s the trouble with my desires, they all involved being accomplished at some skill.  I’ve never wanted anything involving plunking down some cash and just having it.  And many of my desires from youth were downright foolish, like wanting to play the guitar.  I have absolutely no musical talent.  I can’t hum a melody, I can’t even recite the lines to any of my favorite songs, so why wish to play the guitar?  Because I love hearing music.  Even now I have the urge to make number two on my bucket list to be able to play seven songs on the guitar well enough to be recognizable.

Like that will happen!  But what if it could?  Okay, number two on the bucket list is knowing my limitations and truly understanding them.

I’m not sure if the whole concept of the bucket list doesn’t belong to a certain kind of person, the thrill seeker.  When I was young I did a lot of things that could have gotten me killed or jailed, and I was lucky to keep my brain and body as intact as it is.  I have a lot of regrets, but they aren’t about places and activities I missed.  If I ended up on my deathbed tonight, the regrets I’d have about running out of time would be over my failure to be a better person.  And those details are not ones I’m ready to confess now.  There’s no place on the globe I can visit than can make me a better person.

But that’s another failure.  I’m too contemplative.  I can’t be a better person by thinking, only by doing.  Nor do I wish to imply I want to be a good person, that’s another trap like seeking thrills.

I’m not sure if life is about the cards in your hand, but how you play them.

JWH – 8/31/10

Thalia Novels of Larry McMurtry

Thalia, Texas is a fictional town, the setting for five novels by Larry McMurtry:

  • The Last Picture Show (1966)
  • Texasville (1987)
  • Duane’s Depressed (1999)
  • When the Light Goes (2007)
  • Rhino Ranch (2009)

I read all five of these books in the last six weeks, and the threads that weave them together are Thalia and Duane Moore, so it’s essentially the story of one man and his small town over fifty years since he graduated high school.  (My guess in 1952.)

I first read The Last Picture Show after seeing the movie when it came out in 1971 and this led me to be a life-long Larry McMurtry fan, but not a consistent one.  I read a handful of his early books during 1971-1975, then after seeing the Lonesome Dove mini-series on TV read most of McMurtry western novels in the late 80s and early 90s, then in the early double-ought’s, I read the Berrybender books, and final this summer I came back and caught up with the Thalia novels.

The Thalia novels are my favorites because I find so much that resonates with my own life.

The original story in this unintentional series, The Last Picture Show, was “lovingly dedicated to my home town,” by McMurtry, who was born in Archer City, Texas. I assume that’s the model for Thalia.  Thalia, from Greek mythology, was the Muse of comedy, and one of the three Graces.  Some people do see these stories as essentially comic, but any comedy is vastly overshadowed by loneliness, sexual frustration, sadness, restless boredom, depression and death.

I’d like to think The Last Picture Show is autobiographical, the kind of a novel that a young writer would write to describe how they grew up.  It’s about two high school best friends, Sonny Crawford and Duane Moore set in the early 1950s, during the Korean War.  It was made into a beautiful film by Peter Bogdanovich in 1971, starring Timothy Bottoms, Jeff Bridges, Cybil Shepherd.  The Last Picture Show is Sonny Crawford’s story, but Duane and Sonny share a tragic love for the fickle Jacy Farrow.  The odd thing about this novel is how the women are much stronger then the Texas men.

For some reason, starting with Texasville, the story shifted to Duane, and Sonny was marginalized as a character.  Because Texasville was also made into a film in 1990, again by Bogdanovich, I wonder if McMurtry wrote it for the Duane because Jeff Bridges was then a much bigger star.  All the books after The Last Picture Show focus on Duane Moore, and it’s Jeff Bridges who I picture in my mind as Duane for all five books.

Over the five books, two of which were made into films, I got to love many characters, and in the course of the series they all die.  Most of the deaths, like death in life, were surprises, and some were gut wrenching to me as the reader.

The peak of the whole series is Duane’s Depressed, when Duane is 62.  Like The Last Picture Show, I hope Duane’s Depressed has more of McMurtry in it because its emotions are more real.

The last two novels, When the Light Goes and Rhino Ranch, are slight, and follow many drifting years for Duane.  They are more intentionally comic, if not farcical.  The chapters become shorter and shorter until they are tiny scenes in Duane’s life, but they cover Duane’s late sixties and early seventies, a time of little activity in a man’s life, although those books should have been longer and more philosophical.

One thing I found amazing is how much America changes in these books.  We start out in Thalia, around 1951, the year I was born.  There are no cell phones, no computers, no Internet, no computer games, etc.  They do have television, but most people seem to ignore it.  Sonny and Duane play football for a school that seldom sees any wins, and they both dream of scoring with Jacy, their high school beauty queen.  Both have jobs, and Sonny has a mentor, Sam the Lion, plus Sonny has an affair with the high school coach’s wife.  But nothing I can say about the story conveys the full cast of vivid characters and all of their lonely lives.  You have to immerse yourself in the novel for that.  I’ve talk to many people who found it depressing, but I found the story uplifting.

Texasville jumps ahead in Duane’s life to his forties, after he’s married Karla, has four kids and a couple grandchildren.  He’s twelve million dollars in debt during a bust cycle of oil prices.  Jacy Farrow comes home at the same time Duane and Karla are having marriage problems, but Jacy steals Karla, his kids, his grandchildren, and even his dog from Duane.  Duane fails to communicate with his family even though he loves them.  Texasville is a riot of crazy characters, and Duane’s four children are every parent’s complete set of parenthood nightmares.

Texasville is about Duane’s failure to communicate with women.  His wife and several girlfriends read him like a book, knowing his every move, emotion and desire, but he is clueless, indecisive and the only words he can find for each women are the exact words that piss them off.

Evidently Duane never catches up with the women because in Duane’s Depressed, when he’s 62, walks away from his family.  Literally.  He parks his pickup, hides the keys, and walks away from a house with a wife, a cook, four children and nine grandchildren.  Duane is not educated enough to know who Thoreau was, or to know about Walden’s Pond, but he goes off to live in a small cabin.  Some people do point out he’s choosing to live a Thoreau like existence and he eventually finds a copy of the book, but he only reads a few lines about living deliberately.  Which he does.

Duane’s Depressed is about finding peace living alone, and Duane goes to a psychologist.  This is my favorite of the five books.  I’ll turn 59 in a few months, and that feels very close to 62.  McMurtry was just a little bit older than that when he wrote the novel, so I consider it my tour guide for my sixties.  Even though I write about almost anything I want in my blog there are topics I’m afraid to talk about.  Some of those topics are ones that Honor Carmichael gets Duane to discover.

I wished Larry McMurtry had written other books for this series.  I’d like at least one more book, if not two, from Sonny Crawford’s point of view.  Jacy deserves a book too, and I think Karla deserves three.  Ruth Popper definitely deserves a book.  And Jenny Marlow too.  And Lois Farrow.

JWH – 8/9/10

Am I Becoming An Old Fogey?

I started taking programming classes in 1971, and in 1977 I got caught up in the microcomputer mania.  By 1981 I got swept away with the PC revolution and during the 1980s I was quite passionate about BBSes and online computer services like CompuServe and GENIE.  And I was wowed when my university got connected to the Internet years before the WWW.  I’ve always been an early adopter of any computer gadget, but somehow I’m letting the smartphone mania pass me by.  Is this a sign of aging?

At some computer news sites there are more stories about smartphones than computers,  and some digital pundits even predict smartphones replacing computers.  They sneer that the desktop is just a boring office device.  I guess I’m getting old because desktop computers are still as exciting to me as muscle cars were to me in my teens.

I’d love to have a smartphone, but I just can’t justify spending a $1,000 a year to use one.  The iPhone 4 is one seductive piece of hardware and if it was only $199 I’d get one in a snap.  I can’t stop thinking about getting an iPhone 4 or one of the new Android smartphones – but I keep remembering that I barely use my cell phone, and that I have both an iPod touch and netbook that both go weeks without being used.  And my GPS sits at the bottom of a desk drawer, and my three digital cameras seldom get snapped.

I add $50 to my T-Mobile pay-as-you-go phone and I can talk for 6-8 months.  Now I might justify paying for a smartphone if I could ditch my house phone, but cell phone service from my home is terrible, for both AT&T and T-Mobile.  My wife does have an iPhone.  She works and lives out of town and greatly benefits from her smartphone but she practically lives on the damn thing.  But Susan is a couple years younger than me and loves Farmville, Facebook and going to live rock concerts.  Her favorite band is The Foo Fighters while I enjoy people like Laura Bell Bundy who sings a tamer country rock.

I spend all day at work at my desktop, and all evening at home at my desktop, and my commute is 8 minutes.  So I don’t exactly need a powerful smartphone or laptop.  But the smartphone mania keeps gnawing at me.  They’re like a toy that every cool kid owns, and I don’t.

When I saw the video for the new iPhone 4 at the Apple site I thought the face time video calling was fantastic until I remembered Susan and I bought webcams two years ago for Valentine’s Day and only used them once.

Now I’m not trying to be the Grinch that steals Christmas but is all this smartphone mania some new kind of addiction?  I know some people who don’t have home phones, and who don’t have a computer at home, or Internet access, and the smartphone is a great, affordable solution for them.  These folks are the kind of people that a smartphone will be their computer, and the ones the pundits were talking about.

And if you’re an on-the-go person that’s already spending a pile of money for cell phone calling and texting, it’s not that much money to add a data plan.  I suppose kids and young people who stay constantly in touch with their friends via cell phones can’t imagine living any other way.  And that might be the reason why I question all of this.  Am I too old to see the necessity of such a wired lifestyle?

Will spending a $1,000 a year for smartphone use just become a necessity of life?  And what is that cost for a family with three teenagers?  On one hand, I know the smartphone mania is a great boost for the economy, so I shouldn’t complain, but on the other hand, it seems so wasteful.  But I guess I’m just an old fogey.

And now the 3D TV mania is starting.  HDTV was sexy to me, but 3D TV leaves me limp.  I wonder if I need a Viagra for my techno lust?  And did I give up cable TV and my two DVR boxes to save money, like I thought, or was it because I’m getting old and couldn’t stand all those channels, like I felt.  Now that I think of it, I did sell my Kindle, and I’m actually reading books.  Well, I’m not as bad as my friend Lee, he’s returned to listening to LPs.  I wonder if that will happen to me too?

JWH – 6/13/10