Reading in the Second Half of Life

I started reading Anna Karenina this week.  I’ve never read Tolstoy before, I guess I wasn’t old enough.  Last year my favorite novels were The Way We Live Now by Anthony Trollope and Middlemarch by George Elliot.  Those stories are a far cry from the science fiction I grew up reading.  My story tastes have changed as I’ve gotten older.  I still read science fiction, I just finished Pushing Ice by Alastair Reynolds, but characters seldom seem real in science fiction, not like those in the classic and literary novels.  The same is true of movies and television, where I once thought The Matrix brilliant, now I find the sublime in Downton Abbey.

AnnaKarenina

At sixty I can look back and see my reading life changed around fifty.  Starting at twelve until my college years my reading life had been shaped by the science fiction of Robert A. Heinlein, but even before that, I can remember hazy days of grade school, and the earliest novels I remember reading on my own were the Oz books by L. Frank Baum and the Danny Dunn and Tom Swift, Jr. series.  My early life of reading was inspired by escapism, fantasy and science fiction.  But then, isn’t the youthful literary work of humankind about myths, fantastic creatures, gods, epic voyages,  magic and faraway places?

Don’t we all come down to Earth when we get old?  More and more I prefer nonfiction and history to fiction, but when I read fiction I crave literary works whose authors were careful observers of the realistic details of living.

Getting old for me means paying more attention to the real world and less to the fantasy worlds.  All fiction is fantasy, but I grew up reading fiction inspired by fantasy worlds, and now that I’m getting old I prefer books inspired by this world.  I wonder if this trend continues as I age, will I give up fiction altogether and just read the here and now?

I’ve often compared my reading habit to a drug addiction, and my belief in science fiction to religion, but then Marx said religion is the opiate of the people, so the two overlap.  When we are young we want reality to be more fantastic than it is.  We want to fly.  We want super powers.  We want to be protected by powerful beings.  Comic book super-heroes are no different from the gods of mythology.

As the years pile up the fantastic fails us like our fleshy passions.  As our bodies decay, we are forced to face reality.

Why after fifty, is James Joyce’s Ulysses so much more an adventure than Homer’s?

Konstantin Levin becomes more fascinating than Valentine Michael Smith.

When I was young I wanted to be John Carter, now I rather be John Bates, the valet in Downton Abbey.

Who knew Earth would become more far out than Mars.

JWH – 3/27/12

The Things I Should Be Doing

I tend to do whatever I feel like.

But then I’m sixty pounds overweight and my health is going down hill.  My house could use a good deal of renovation, and even though my yard guys keep my lawn close-clipped, it’s a green carpet of weeds.  I feel great relief when I see those shows about hoarders because it makes me feel clean and orderly in comparison.  I take a certain pride that I’m not an alcoholic like my parents but I have quite a reading addiction.  I wanted to be a writer, and although I can churn out the blog posts, I never write the fiction I constantly create in daydreams.

One of the biggest problems in my life is I’ve been reasonably happy and content – I think drive comes from dissatisfaction.  If it wasn’t for the guilt over being unproductive I could cruise to my deathbed with no regrets.  Yeah, that’s a pretty big exception though.

A friend of mine recently got some paid-for psychological advice which she shared with me for free.  She was told to picture herself dying comfortable, able to think clearly – and then asked to imagine what her regrets about leaving life would be.

Now that can be taken a number of ways.  There’s a difference between the fantasies that didn’t come true and the ambitions I gave up because of laziness.  Remember that movie about the bucket list – well how many people can die with the aid of a billionaire to finance an expensive life-improvement checklist?  I could say my life sucked because I didn’t become a rock star like Bob Dylan but is that fair when I can’t carry a tune and the only song I can remember the words to is “Happy Birthday” and I screw that up half the time.

Studies have shown that success is about 10,000 hours of practice, so should we all be regretful that we didn’t pick something and have applied ourselves diligently for three hours a day for ten years?

Maybe that psychiatrist meant something different.  Maybe he meant that people should regret not being nicer, or more generous, or more caring.  Many people believe a good life is based on how much you do for others and not what you do for yourself.  And to be honest, I’m a very selfish person.  I don’t feel too guilty though, I try to be a helpful person in my own way, and I give regularly to a number of charities, but the reality is I have no more talent for providing human comfort then I do music.

I really wish I could have be more generous with my wife Susan, doing more things she likes to do, like going to baseball games or to bars on trivia night.  I just can’t though.  Baseball is boring, and I don’t like loud bars.  And I’m sure she feels bad about not liking the many things I like to do, like watching documentaries on cosmology or sitting around listening to jazz from 1959.

When it comes down to dealing with regret I think we need to be realistic.

I need to picture lying in my nursing home bed and think of things I should have done that I could have done.  And since I’m turning 60 in a couple of months, it should be things I could start doing right now.  Crying over my first six decades is pointless.  In all honesty, I can make a long list of things I wished I had done in those first sixty years and it would come down to a long list of “I wish I hadn’t been too chicken-shit to do X.”  But what’s the point of that, I have a timid omega male personality and that’s not going to change.

Sure I can think of a few things to wish for that might have been practical.  I wished I started caring for my teeth as a kid instead of waiting until I was in my forties.  I suppose I could have given up my favorite foods at 175 pounds instead of 235.  And if I had only maintained my exercise levels that I acquired in gym class in junior and senior high I could have been the person I always fantasized being.  Ha-ha.

See, that’s the thing about thinking about our dying regrets – it’s easy to make bucket lists, but it’s hard to judge who we really are.

I’ve known I should lose my extra pounds ever since I gained them.  I’ve always regretted them.  I’ve quit eating all my fun foods decades ago.  Other than forcing myself to live with constant craving, I don’t know what else to do.  And the same is true of having a beautifully decorated house and spiffy all grass lawn – I’d have to have a personality change.

I could write on my bucket list that life would have been great if I could have had sex with Catherine Zeta Jones or spent a year living in Paris writing a brilliant unforgettable novel.  But should I really downgrade my life on Earth because I didn’t?

At work people laugh at me because I all too often make references to things I read in books.  They say I shouldn’t read so much.  But, hey, I’m a bookworm.  That’s like telling a giraffe that he’d have a better life without that long neck.  Hell, when it comes down to it, I’m going to regret not reading more books, or listening to more music, or watching more documentaries, or all the other things I really love doing.

When I’m old and dying I’m going to regret losing my health and dying because I’ll have to stop doing what I’ve been doing my whole life, which is being me.

JWH – 8/7/11

I’m 59, But Feel 19, But Something’s Wrong with My Body

A common sentiment among older people is they still feel young inside, just like when they were teenagers, but it’s their body that’s aging.  I feel that too, but yesterday it occurred to me that I have changed because of a conversation I had with my friend Mike.  We were talking about how bad the old TV show The Monkees was – it’s in reruns on Antenna TV.  Back in 1966, when I was 14, my sister and I loved that show.  Watching it now makes me think I must have been brain damaged!

The Monkees is a horrendous TV show.  It makes Gilligan’s Island feel like Shakespeare, and that’s another old show I loved as a kid but can’t stand now.  So I can’t really say I feel like I did when I was young, something has changed.  But why do I feel unchanged?

If I think about it I can come up with all kinds of ways I’ve changed.  When I was a kid I did stupid things like own a motorcycle, hitch-hike and take drugs, none of which I would do now.  I now think a much wider range of women are attractive, but that’s true of food, music, books, etc.  The more I think about it, the more I realize that I’m not the person I was when I was young.  So why do we feel we are?

I think the tendency is to feel that we’re a little soul driving around inside our head, steering our body until it turns into a rusted old junker.  Now I guess some people feel they are different inside as they age, but I think a lot of people don’t.  What causes that feeling?  It just occurred to me that I’ve reread things I wrote decades ago and felt I was reading someone else’s writing.  Are our inner beings unconnected to our thinking and opinions too, like they are from the body?

Is there a me inside of my body that’s unchanging even though my body changes, my tastes change, my opinions change, my skills change, and so on?  I know when I’m sick I can feel the me-ness shrink inside, like its being physically assaulted, but the uniqueness stays there no matter how much pain or nausea I feel until I pass out.  When I fall asleep the me goes away, but a tiny bit of it exists in dreams.  When I’ve had surgery and have been put under, it feels like the me has been shut off like a light switch and then suddenly turned back on.

It’s interesting to think of the me, the part of me that’s self-aware, is separate from my opinions and tastes. There’s a science fictional concept called downloading, where people imagine having their brains recorded and then burned into a clone’s brain or digital computer.  They think of this as a form of immortality, but what if the me is a mechanism of the brain that doesn’t copy?  What if the me is the equivalent of a tape-head, and not the tape?  So experiences flow past it but it doesn’t change with them?

But that doesn’t explain why I loved The Monkees in 1966 and hate it in 2011.  It implies that it’s not the tape head, or that the tape head does change over time.  Even though I feel like I’m the same person at 59 as I was a 19 that might be a delusion.  If I could put my 59 year old brain back into my 19 year old body would would I keep my wisdom or turn foolish?  Of course, if I could I put my 59 year old brain back into my 14 year old body would I start loving The Monkees again?  I don’t think so.

I’ve read that people with brain damage feel like different people.  I’m guessing the brain is what feels homey and constant, and it’s the physical body that feels different with aging, and the informational content of the brain that makes my tastes change.  What I worry about is having a stroke or getting Alzheimer’s and losing part of my me-ness.  I’m already used to my body breaking down.  And I’m getting used to forgetting information in my brain, which doesn’t hurt by the way.  But I don’t relish losing that feeling of unchanging me-ness.  But sometimes the me dies before the body.

NOTE:  I think a lot of people read my stuff and think I’m depressed because I write about what they think are depressing topics.  But I’m not depressed at all.  I marvel at all the changes in my life.  I regret not being able to hang onto everything, but that’s not how things work and I accept it.  I don’t want to experience decline and death, but I don’t have any choice, so I like to philosophize about what I’m going through.  And I’m trying to learn from those explorers ahead of me, those folks in their 70s, 80s and 90s.

JWH – 4/11/11

Do Colds Get Stronger As We Get Older?

I have a mystery.  My annual colds are getting more debilitating each year.  I missed 5 work days with this cold, and I was sick on both connecting weekends too.  I still have nasty lingering symptoms.  This year was so bad that I’m freaked out about next year already.  Usually when I get a cold I’ll miss a couple days of work and get some reading done.  I didn’t even feel like reading this year. 

Why?  Here are some possibilities:

  • I’m getting older – is a cold harder to handle at 59 than 49 or 39?  How will they feel at 69, 79, 89?
  • I’ve been taking flu shots for the last three years, could this be a side-effect?
  • I’ve been living in a new (old) house and it has a new heating system – could that affect my system?
  • I’m exercising less because of a back problem – could reduce stamina hurt my ability to handle a cold?
  • Maybe I just hit a run of stronger cold strains and things will change?
  • Or is it only a matter of self-deception and the current infection is always the worse?

Looking back over my life I don’t remember colds being this unpleasant, but the one I’m getting over now has been a doozy.  And to be honest, after studying colds and flus, some of my memories of having the flu might actually have been a cold, so that I did have some bad colds when I was younger.

Wikipedia has a wonderful essay on the common cold.  It says the average adult gets 2-4 colds a year, and the average kid gets 6-12 cold infections annually.  It also says the average length of a cold is 7-10 days with some symptoms lasting up to 3 weeks.  Now that describe my “bad” colds.  And hell, I don’t ever remember having that many colds, either as an adult or a kid.  (If you do the math from Wikipedia, something sounds fishy though.  Some people must be sick all year round.)

I do think I’m on a four winter streak of ever worse colds, and I wonder why.

Under normal conditions having a cold wasn’t all that bad, I took off from work and read.  I’ve even thought  that a cold produces a nice high that’s perfect for rereading favorite novels and wallowing in nostalgia.  This year I couldn’t read.  I watched damn little TV.  I just tried to sleep as much as possible to escape the misery of the moment.  It’s been 12 days now, with the last three back at work.  I’m better, but I have a lingering hacking cough that scares my co-workers and keeps me up at night.  I’m still coughing up green pus, blowing out green snot (which is sometimes bloody), and if I leave my eyes shut for any length of time they will gum up with green goo. 

People keep telling me to go to the doctor and get antibiotics.  Several people have said green is a sign of infection and I need antibiotics to fight it off.  I found this article that contradicts that.  And besides, I’m afraid of going to a doctor.  I picture her waiting room filled with sick people with even more germs to infect me.  And I’m also chicken about taking antibiotics.  I ended up in the emergency room in my twenties and I was told it was probably a reaction to penicillin. 

I’m a total wimp when it comes to getting sick.  If I can barely handle a cold now, how will the flu feel?  If my body can’t handle a common ailment how will it do if I have a heart attack, or pneumonia or cancer, or any of those other diseases old people get?  I need to build up some stamina if I’m going to even make it to my social security years.  It makes me wonder if God is getting me back for my skeptical life, or at least my body is getting me back for living a slothful, overweight life.  How can I redeem myself?

My friend Mike is four years younger than me, but when he had some health problems, he took control, lost weight, and is now running half marathons.  I need to make Mike my role model, but there’s one problem.  Mike has always been very disciplined and I’m not.  I’ve been trying to lose weight for twenty-five years and never have succeeded.  And that’s despite the fact that I’ve given up eating most of my favorite junk foods.

Be that as it may, I still need to work a little miracle of self-transformation on myself.  I just don’t know how.  I also feel that if I don’t find some method of aerobic exercise that my back can tolerate that my vitality and stamina is in a slow decline.  I bet next year’s cold will be even worse than this year’s cold.

JWH – 1/26/11

Katy Perry vs. The Beatles

There is a kind of age prejudice in pop music that I’d like to explore.  When I was growing I thought Perry Como and Dean Martin were for over the hill folks, like my parents.  The Beatles and Bob Dylan defined my generation, even though older college kids looked down on us teens from their folk music purity.  And let’s not forget the smugness of classical music fans or jazz aficionados who sneer at three chord rock and roll from their hipster highs.

But I have to admit, we baby boomers are terrible music snobs.  Many of my generation stopped listening to music after 1975.  For people coming of age in the 1960s, The Beatles are the yardstick that all other pop music is measured.  To many of us the art of music has been in sharp decline since 1969’s Abbey Road.  But has the music declined, or just our youthful enthusiasm?

I’m now a generation older than my parents were when we all first watched The Beatles on Ed Sullivan back in February of 1964.  The Beatles, The Byrds and Bob Dylan have become my Perry Como, Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra.

When I tell friends my age that I’m listening to Katy Perry most of them do not have a clue to who she is, and if they do, they think of her as some kind of under-aged, under-dressed young woman who doesn’t really sing but flaunts her body to loud noise.  “Oh those girls don’t sing they sell sex.”  But what emotional response were all those screaming teenage girls buying when they heard:

Oh please say to me

You’ll let me be your man

And please say to me

You’ll let me hold your hand

Now, let me hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

Almost a half-century from when the Beatles sang to little girls, girl singers now dominate the pop charts, and sing songs like “Pearl,” that rebels against the tyranny of love and men,

Oh, she used to be a pearl, oh

Yeah, she used to rule the world, oh

Can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself

Cause she used to be a pearl

She was unstoppable

Moved fast as light, like an avalanche

But now she’s stuck deep in cement

Wishing that they’d never ever met

When we were young we were more than willing to accept the wisdom of Lennon and McCartney, who were no older than Katy Perry now.  Why, when we’re two or three times older than Paul and John in 1964, do we cling to their music and reject the artistic expression of today’s youth?  You’d think we’d be listening to something old and fuddy-duddy by now, like our version of Perry Como.  Do The Beatles sound square to the modern listener?

Do we all get stuck in our own teenage dreams?

Pop music has never been that deep and I don’t think Katy Perry’s album Teenage Dream is that different any of the Fab Four’s early LPs.  We are told Perry is involved with the writing of her songs, but that could be PR, but don’t the lyrics represent the young of 2010?  Her hit song “Teenage Dream” does not show the poetical sophistication of “Eleanor Rigby” but it’s sentiments are far more sophisticated than the early Lennon-McCartney love songs when they were her age.  Remember, in 1964, things were much more innocent than this video.

What does this say about this generation?  And what if you heard your answer back when you were a teen – don’t you sound like our parents?  My Mom and Dad hated The Beatles and thought they were vulgar, lacking in talent.  My father claimed they played noise.  But we thought The Beatles were cutting edge brilliant.  They expressed our desires and dreams – but don’t those dreams and desires seem so innocent and unsophisticated now?  Children under ten today love The Beatles.  Older kids want Jack White, whose anger is hard to fathom to us, but obvious to them.

Of course, I wonder if today’s high school and college kids are really more mature than we were?  The Beatles were living what we see in this Katy Perry video, we just didn’t see it.  And we were no angels either.

And if we graying baby boomers, now over the hill by our earlier philosophy of not trusting people over thirty, stop listening to twenty-something art, doesn’t that put us out of touch like we thought our parents were back then?

Or maybe pop music encapsulates every emerging generation, and the normal mature thing to do is to hate the music of young?

I listen to music like it’s a drug.  When all The Beatles albums were recently remastered I went out and bought most of them, but I only played them once.  Their potency as a musical stimulant has worn off.  But I’m playing the Katy Perry songs over and over again because they get me high with restless energy.  To me its new music that thrills.  As I’ve gotten older it’s gotten much harder to connect to the young, so I return to my old favorite albums, but it’s a nostalgic thrill, not a let’s go out and conquer the world defiant dance.

Just being current doesn’t make music powerful.  There is something else.  I think the powerful emotion I crave in music is the strong emotions of ambitious artists.  I think we loved The Beatles music because of the passion of John, Paul, George and Ringo to succeed.  And I think the reason Katy Perry is popular now is because of her passion to be on top of the world musically.  She expresses that desire in her song “Firework.”

Do you ever feel already buried deep

Six feet under scream

But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there’s still a chance for you

Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine

Just own the night

Like the Forth of July

Cause baby you’re a firework

Come on show ‘em what your worth

Make ‘em go “oh, oh, oh!”

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

In the song she is singing these sentiments to someone else, but she’s talking about herself.

JWH – 10/7/10