Reading at the End of Existence

by James Wallace Harris, 12/19/23

I don’t plan to die anytime soon, but the end of my existence looms ahead. That leaves me with a growing anxiety to read all the books I haven’t read but want to. Another growing anxiety is realizing I’m reading less every year. Those problems are acutely revealing that I’ve bought far more books for my retirement years than I could read in several lifetimes. I need either the lifespan of Lazarus, or the ability to reincarnate, or to triage my library.

I would feel better if I could only read those books I’m dying to read before I die. There’s that word I’m trying not to say, “dying,” but it does seem literal in this situation. Which books do I want to read the most before I reach a Henry Bemis tragic ending?

The euphemism “dying to read” sounds like I’ll die if I don’t get to read certain books, or it could suggest books I’m so engrossed in reading that I’m dying while I’m not reading them. What I’m really saying is the possibility of dying is pushing me to get down to some deadly serious reading. It would help if I hadn’t developed a YouTube video addiction.

Some people might see retirement years as a time of waiting to die. On the contrary, every day in retirement feels like I’ve got all the time in the world, so I don’t feel the need to hurry. That’s why I’m probably reading less. When I worked, I read more because I had so little free time and it gave me a desperation to read.

However, the problem at hand is I have nine tall bookshelves filled with books waiting to be read. And that’s not counting all the invisible Kindle and Audible books in my digital cloud library. I might read one bookshelf a decade, and I don’t think I have nine decades left. (I kind of think I might have one or two.)

I need to stop wasting time and start reading my ass off.

Unfortunately, it’s not a matter of picking the first book and turning pages. With the sense that my days give me all the time in the world, but my years are running out, it causes anxiety over what to read. If I’m in day mode I can read anything and not feel like it’s a waste of time. If I’m in year mode though, it’s like “Holy Cow, I’ve got to read something great, it might be my last book!”

Lately, I’ve started a lot of books that I want to read and even enjoy reading them but quickly switch to another book I’m also anxious to read. I then forget about the previous book — for a while. This creates a daisy-chain of unfinished books that I’m constantly trying to finish. Here’s a list of unfinished books I’m currently cycling through in my reading:

• The Science Fiction Century edited by David G. Hartwell
• Aye, and Gomorrah and Other Stories by Samuel R. Delany
• Man in His Time: The Best of Brian W. Aldiss
• The Steps of the Sun by Walter Tevis
• Davy by Edgar Pangborn
• Lives of the Stoics by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
• Anthony Powell by Hilary Sperling
• Songbook by Nick Hornby
• Lila: An Inquiry into Morals by Robert M. Pirsig
• The Magic Mountain by Thomas Mann
• Determined by Robert M. Sapolsky
• The Simulacra by Philip K. Dick
• The Rise of Democracy by Sean Wilentz

And these are just the ones lying nearby that tick my memory.

Of course, I rushed through and speedily finished Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus and Democracy Awakening by Heather Cox Richardson. Why do I read some books without stopping but not others? Well, some books you really can’t put down. However, I worry my television affliction is carrying over to my reading. That worries me. For the past several years, I have had a tough time watching TV by myself. If I’m watching with other people I can sit through an entire show or movie, but when I’m alone, I end up clicking around every few minutes. I think the internet has ruined my attention span.

Last year I read 52 books, which is about average. That’s about one book a week. This year, with two weeks left to go, I’ve only finished 32 books. If I read books as fast as I read Lessons in Chemistry and Democracy Awakening, I would have finished 75-100 books this year. That 1.5 to 2 books a week.

When I really love a book, I can finish it in 2-5 days depending on length. Since I’m worried about running out of reading time, I should try to read those kinds of books all the time. But I have trouble finding such addictive titles.

If I had a Genie that granted me wishes, I’d wish that he/she would put all my unread books in order of how passionately I’d want to read each of them. But would I start with the most potent? That would put me on a downhill slope of reading enjoyment. Maybe a good procedure would be to pick #52 and read toward #1, so the year would be one reading pinnacle after another. Then take a long break and do it again. But in the second year, would I really want to read 52 books that were less enjoyable than all the books I read the previous year?

Whoops! I wasted my first wish.

Books often complement each other. Reading a history book, along with a biography and historical novel often creates a synergistic reading high. I still want to read the best books first, but I’d also want them blended by subject so that the highs came in waves as I wander from topic to topic. Right now, I’m reading about democracy in America in the 19th century. Susan and I are watching The Gilded Age on television. Supplementing those with some novels and additional nonfiction books about 19th century art and science would make for a very educational month or two.

However, I know I’ll get burned out on America history soon enough. Not only do I not stick to books, but I flit from subject to subject. While I have that Genie, I wish I knew which subjects I wanted to study the most before I die. Not only do I need to abandon some books in my collection, but I also need to abandon some subject areas.

I keep standing in front of my bookcases thinking the sight of so many books is paralyzing me from deciding what to read and sticking to it. My two all-time favorite periods of reading in my life were when I was a teen and could barely afford any books, so I cherished each as I bought and read them. And when I first joined Audible and had two credits a month, that made me incredibly careful to pick what I wanted to listen to and finish. In both cases, I’d finish what I owned, and spend days anticipating what I could buy and read next.

I know I can’t make an end of the world reading plan because I never stick to my plans. Over the years I’m slowly getting a handle on my book buying addiction. Although, I might have slowed on book purchasing because it’s finally hitting me that I’ve already bought far more books than I’ve got time to read. That reality has gotten to feel very real, so I no longer buy books like I used to. But it’s also adding to the anxiety that I need to read as much as I can over the time I’ve got left.

What I need now is a sense of what I will read and what I won’t. Over the coming years I’d like to read more and get rid of books I know I can’t or won’t read until I end up on my deathbed with just one book. But this desire isn’t really about numbers. It’s about the topic of the last book I will be reading. Not only do I have too many books to read, but I’m trying to cover too many subjects.

More than ever, I know my mind can only hold so much. And after a lifetime of reading, I get the feeling I’m heading towards an ultimate distillation of interests. When I leave this existence, I want to feel tranquil satisfaction that I’ve completed my life’s education. I worry I’ll be like one of those foolish Hindu guys who think of a beautiful stag just before they die and must reincarnate as one. If I leave wanting to read more, I’ll come back as a bookworm again. (Or come back as a book.)

JWH